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THE COMPATIBILITY DECK BONUS GUIDE 

Find the right match for your heart 

Your companion for intentional, eyes-open connection

Welcome. You opened this guide from the QR code in your deck.
Keep it close as you draw your cards: it gathers the values, needs,
questions and signs that help you recognize the love that truly
TABLE OF CONTENTS

What's inside

Read it in order, or go straight to what you need today. Every chapter links back here.

Standards and Self-Knowledge

01 Values 02 Personality Traits to Assess 03 Standards

Understanding Yourself and Others

04 Personality Needs 05 Day-to-Day Needs 06 Feelings and Emotions

Assessment and Conversation

07 Meaningful Conversations 08 Reading the Signs 09 Red Flags: Major Concerns 10 Yellow Flags: Proceed with Caution 11 Green Flags: Signs of a Healthy Match 12 Emotional Availability and Maturity 13 Emotional Unavailability and Immaturity

Standards and SelfKnowledge

Know what you stand for before you choose who to stand beside.

Values

The foundation of lasting compatibility. Use these to identify what you genuinely stand for, and what you need your partner to honor.

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Character and Integrity

13 VALUES
  • Honesty
  • Integrity
  • Authenticity / Genuineness
  • Humility
  • Courage
  • Assertiveness
  • Responsibility
  • Self-Discipline
  • Self-Respect
  • Rationality
  • Moderation
  • Order
  • Work Ethic

Heart and Connection

13 VALUES
  • Love
  • Romance
  • Loyalty
  • Compassion
  • Empathy
  • Kindness
  • Forgiveness
  • Vulnerability
  • Patience
  • Presence
  • Consistency
  • Harmony
  • Passion

Growth and Mind

14 VALUES
  • Growth
  • Knowledge / Learning / Education
  • Curiosity
  • Creativity
  • Self-Awareness
  • Mindfulness
  • Wisdom
  • Intuition
  • Excellence
  • Success
  • Leadership
  • Resilience
  • Ambition
  • Career

Purpose and Expression

16 VALUES
  • Purpose
  • Self-Expression
  • Non-Conformity
  • Openness / Transparency
  • Risk-Taking
  • Optimism
  • Gratitude
  • Beauty
  • Humor
  • Fun
  • Adventure
  • Solitude
  • Freedom
  • Independence
  • Simplicity
  • Security

Community and Values

21 VALUES
  • Family Oriented
  • Parenting
  • Community
  • Social Connection
  • Connection
  • Collaboration
  • Service
  • Contribution
  • Generosity
  • Respect
  • Civility
  • Inclusiveness
  • Diversity
  • Equality
  • Justice
  • Truth
  • Activism
  • Civic Engagement
  • Environment
  • Health
  • Spirituality
A MOMENT TO REFLECT

Circle the five values you would never trade away. Then ask: does the person in front of me honor them?

Personality Traits to Assess

Use these dimensions to understand yourself and evaluate compatibility with a partner.

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STYLE 1

Social style

Introvert Extrovert
STYLE 2

Emotional style

Calm High Energy Optimistic Neurotic Emotional
STYLE 3

Behavioral style

Planner Spontaneous Organized Messy Impulsive
STYLE 4

Communication style

Direct Avoidant Agreeable
STYLE 5

Relational style

Considerate Supportive Kind Loyal
ONE END THE OTHER
Most traits live on a spectrum. Neither end is inherently better.

Standards

What you can flex on, and what you never will. Knowing the difference keeps you from settling, and from walking away from something good.

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FLEXIBLE

Preferences

Preferences are negotiable. Hold them lightly, and let real alignment surprise you.

  • Height, body type, grooming, fashion, fitness
  • Age range, location, education level
  • Career field and income bracket
  • Pet preferences, vacation style, hobbies
  • Organizational style and social energy level
  • Political and religious views
  • Communication style and love languages
  • Spontaneous vs. planned
  • Time alone vs. together
  • Personal growth pace and lifestyle
  • Timing around key life events
FIRM

Deal breakers

Common red lines. However strong the chemistry feels, these are the lines you hold.

  • Any form of abuse: physical, verbal, mental, emotional
  • Lying, cheating, or breaking agreed commitments
  • Substance abuse (smoking, drugs, alcohol)
  • Gaslighting, name calling, yelling, contempt
  • Stonewalling, avoidance, inconsistency, unreliability
  • Incompatible views on children or core values
  • Low or no communication, no reciprocity

Understanding Yourself and Others

Name what drives you, what you need, and what you feel.

Personality Needs

What drives our behavior and shapes our personality and life. These needs are core to who you are and what makes you feel alive. Adapted and modified from Integrative Attachment Theory.

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01

Social and Connection

Approval Attention Community Social Connection Social Family Emotional Connection Romantic Connection Communication Helpfulness
02

Freedom and Autonomy

Autonomy Freedom Control Independence Power
03

Security and Comfort

Security Comfort Stability Wealth Materialism Beauty
04

Growth and Learning

Personal Growth Learning Education Knowledge Teaching Creativity Expression
05

Achievement and Status

Achievement Career Growth Leadership Status Competition Recognition
06

Adventure and Discovery

Adventure Exploration Novelty Discovery Nature
07

Wellbeing and Joy

Health Fitness Fun Entertainment
08

Meaning and Impact

Spirituality Religion Service Social Justice

Tertiary Day-to-Day Need

These are the universal human needs that drive connection, conflict, and compatibility. Knowing yours — and your partner's — is everything.
Adopted and modified from Integrative Attachment Theory

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Connection and Belonging

22 NEEDS
Acceptance Affection Acknowledgement Appreciation Belonging Care Cooperation Communication Closeness Community Companionship Compassion Consideration Consistency Empathy Inclusion Intimacy Love Mutuality Nurturing Respect / Self-Respect To be heard
Agency Choice Freedom Independence Privacy Space / Boundaries Spontaneity Exploration
Certainty Comfort Order Reassurance Reliability Safety Security Stability Support To know and be known To see and be seen To be understood Transparency Trust Warmth
Food Fun Movement / Exercise Peace Rest / Sleep Touch
Achievement Awareness Beauty Challenge Contribution Ease Equality Expansiveness Harmony Inspiration Justice Learning Opportunity Progress Self-Development Self-Realization Stimulation Success
Accountability Authenticity Attention Clarity Competence Consciousness Discovery Effectiveness Hope Humor Integrity Joy Mourning Participation Presence Purpose Self-Expression To create To give / nurture To matter To share To teach / assist Validation

Feelings and Emotions

Emotional literacy is a compatibility superpower. Use this vocabulary to name what you feel, and to sense whether your partner can meet you there.

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Positive

Joyful Happy Excited Grateful Inspired Content Peaceful Relieved Satisfied Energetic Hopeful Confident Engaged Comfortable Calm Relaxed

Vulnerable

Open Vulnerable Lonely Hurt Embarrassed Remorseful Surprised Shocked

Anxious or fearful

Anxious Afraid Terrified Worried Guarded Suspicious Overwhelmed Stressed

Angry or frustrated

Angry Furious Frustrated Irritated Resentful Contempt Disgust Envious

Sad or low

Sad Unhappy Hopeless Disappointed Discouraged Powerless Exhausted Distracted Disconnected Disinterest

Mixed or complex

Torn Reluctant Confused Uncomfortable Interested Compassion

Why this matters

The ability to name a feeling is the first step to regulating it. Partners who can identify and communicate emotions build deeper trust and resolve conflict faster.

ASK YOURSELF

Can I name what I am feeling? Can I name the need or story underneath it?

ASK YOUR PARTNER

What are you feeling? Where do you feel it in your body? What are you needing right now?

WATCH FOR

Emotional flooding, stonewalling or dismissiveness: signs of low emotional literacy.

Assessment and Conversation

See clearly, ask bravely, and trust what you notice

Meaningful Conversations

Thirty questions to go deeper with a potential partner or with yourself. Real compatibility is revealed in honest conversation.

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1

Past and growth

What are some past hurts in relationships?
What was your part in the ending of your past relationships?
What have you learned from your relationships that changed how you are in them today?
What is something you once believed but have changed your mind about?
What personal growth work have you done in the past?
2

Relationship vision

Are you wanting a committed relationship?
What does commitment look like to you?
What does a healthy, successful relationship look like for you?
Are you ready for a relationship? Why do you want one?
When thinking of us together, what are your hesitations?
Describe a couple whose relationship you admire, and why.
3

Needs and expectations

What are your needs or expectations in a relationship?
What does support look like from a partner?
What does safety in a relationship look like to you?
How much time alone do you need in a relationship?
What does emotional connection look like for you?
4

Life and values

What are your hopes, wants and dreams in life?
What helps you feel most rested and recharged?
How close are you to your family?
What do you love to do in your free time? What inspires and excites you?
What would your perfect day be?
5

Emotional awareness

What are you currently working on in yourself at this time in your life?
How do you process negative emotions?
What do you do to relieve stress?
How were emotions expressed and tended to in your family?
Who comforted you as a child?
What things hurt you most deeply?
What things inspire you most deeply?
6

Compatibility check

What do you like about them?
What do you not like about them?

Reading the Signs

Three kinds of signals. Learn them once, and you will start to notice them early.

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STOP

Red flags

Serious incompatibility or harm. Do not rationalize them away.

Read the signs
SLOW DOWN

Yellow flags

Not automatic deal breakers, but they ask for honest conversation.

Read the signs
GO GENTLY FORWARD

Green flags

Signs someone is available, self-aware and ready.

Read the signs

Red Flags: Major Concerns

These patterns signal serious incompatibility or harm. Don't rationalize them away.

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Fantasy and projection

In love with their potential, not who they actually are
Created a fantasy version of them in your head
Limerence: chasing who you want them to be

Self-abandonment

Shrinking, holding back, losing yourself
Not meeting your own needs
Accepting behavior you know you don't deserve

Unhealthy patterns

Push-pull dynamics, avoidance of intimacy
Trauma bonding: addicted to the cycle, not the person
Intermittent reinforcement: unpredictable rewards (attention, affection, promises) that create addiction-like attachment

The dark triad

Love bombing followed by withdrawal
Future faking: big promises, zero follow-through
Manipulative tactics designed to control and confuse
Get to know the traits of narcissism, Machiavellianism, psychopathy and sadism

Controlling behavior

Mothering, rescuing, trying to fix or mold them
Nagging, overexplaining, directing their behavior
Trying to control how they see you

Breadcrumbing and emotional impact

Hot and heavy, then pulls away: mixed signals
Over-giving and under-receiving
You feel fear, anxiety, drained, walking on eggshells
You're not being seen or known for who you really are

Yellow Flags: Proceed with Caution

These patterns aren't automatic deal breakers, but they ask for honest assessment and open conversation before going deeper.

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Yellow Flags: Proceed with Caution

Boundary and communication issues

People pleasing; avoids confrontation
No clear boundaries; avoids uncomfortable conversations
Rumination: obsessing about them between visits

Attachment and relational patterns

Hot/cold, push/pull dynamics (often unconscious)
Repeating patterns: betrayal, abandonment, emotional unavailability
Unhealed attachment wounds or unmet childhood needs

Anxious-avoidant dynamics

Anxious people gravitate to dismissive partners who avoid their needs
Dismissives are attracted to anxious partners who self-abandon to please them
Fearful attachment swings between both extremes

Early chemistry concerns

Hot and heavy chemistry without depth
Intensity that feels addictive rather than grounded
Putting them on a pedestal and projecting your dreams onto them
"Your type" is often your wound.

Chemistry can be nervous system familiarity.

Green Flags: Signs of a Healthy Match

The signals that someone is emotionally available, self-aware and genuinely ready for real partnership.

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01

Clear communication

They express needs directly, listen without defensiveness, and repair after conflict without stonewalling.

02

Self-awareness

They know their patterns, own their mistakes, and actively work on themselves, not just in theory.

03

Consistency

Their words match their actions over time. They show up reliably, not just when it's convenient.

04

Reciprocity

The effort, care and investment flow both ways. You feel seen, valued and genuinely chosen.

05

Emotional availability

They can be present with your emotions without shutting down, fixing, or making it about them.

06

Aligned direction

You share compatible visions for the future: on family, lifestyle, values, and what love looks like day to day.

Emotional Availability and Maturity

What steady, secure love looks like in practice.

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OPEN AND REACHABLE

Emotional availability

Self-awareness
Shows insight into themselves and their patterns
Accountability
Takes responsibility; no excuses or blame-shifting
Action
Takes concrete steps to change and grow
Openness
Feels open and reachable right now
Consistency
Present, calm, centered and reliable over time
Responsiveness
Responds with consistent interest and effort
Vulnerability
Shares thoughts and feelings without shutting down or oversharing chaotically
Presence
Stays present during emotional or hard conversations
Curiosity
Shows genuine curiosity about you
Deepening
Doesn't pull away when things start to deepen
Clarity
Communicates clearly about their interest and intentions
STEADY AND SECURE

Emotional maturity

Responsibility
Takes responsibility for their own emotions and actions
Self-regulation
Can self-soothe instead of demanding you regulate them
Conflict
Handles disagreement without blaming, exploding or disappearing
Boundaries
Respects boundaries, yours and their own
Perspective
Speaks about past relationships with ownership rather than pure victimhood
Patience
Can delay gratification and tolerate uncertainty
Empathy
Shows empathy and considers how their actions affect others
Consistency
Remains relatively consistent over time; words match actions
Repair
Can apologize sincerely, own their part, and repair after ruptures
Integrity
Doesn't use silent treatment, guilt or manipulation

Emotional Unavailability and Immaturity

Patterns to notice early. Before you invest more of your heart. Open each group to explore.

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Inconsistent texting: you don't know when you'll hear from them
Unclear about when you will see or hear from them again
Doesn't share feelings openly
Disappears when things get deep, real or challenging
Shuts down or explodes when triggered
Currently in another relationship
Not over their last relationship
Avoids direct conversations
Gives mixed or confusing messages
Doesn't listen or respond with care
Uses silence, withdrawal or defensiveness
Blames you for their feelings ("you made me act this way")
Explodes, then acts like nothing happened
Refuses to apologize or gives half-hearted "I'm sorry" or
"I'm sorry you feel that way"
Keeps score of past mistakes and brings them up later
Punishes you emotionally instead of resolving the issue
Says one thing and does another repeatedly
Makes promises they don't keep; offers weak excuses
Expects you to manage their emotions or cheer them up constantly
Avoids taking responsibility for their part in problems
Disappears when things require effort or emotional presence
Pushes your boundaries after you've clearly stated them
Makes you feel guilty for having needs
Shows little curiosity about how their behavior affects you
Competes with you or becomes jealous of your success or friendships
Treats service workers, exes, or family poorly (reveals character)
Has big emotional swings that feel unpredictable
Relies on you (or substances, drama, chaos) to feel okay
Panics or becomes controlling when they feel uncertain
Idealizes you quickly, then devalues you when you show normal human flaws
Cannot tolerate boredom or calm; needs constant intensity
Love-bombs early, then pulls away once you get closer
Avoids defining the relationship while still wanting its benefits
Talks about future plans very quickly but doesn't follow through on small present actions
Gets upset when you date other people (if not exclusive) but won't commit themselves
Makes you feel like you're "too much" for having normal emotional needs